Sometimes You Need To Do Things For Yourself

If you are PCV, you have heard the word “sustainability” all too often. And although PC may overuse the word, I do actually think about the sustainability in everything I try to do here. It helps me decide what I want to take on and what I will and won’t do.

So as a rule of thumb, I aim to focus more on improving my partner teachers’ teaching skills more than my students’ education. My reasoning is that if I were to focus on the students, I would only influence the students I work with for these two years. But if I improve my partner teachers’ teaching skills, they will go on to continue to help students once I leave and provide good teaching techniques to future generations. So I’ll indirectly help students long after I’m gone.

Since I love teaching, sometimes this is difficult for my mentality. So I’ve decided to make an exception to my sustainability rule and work in small groups with some struggling students. As a result, I’m working less with my partner teacher during the lesson, and I’m creating resources on my own instead of teaching my partners how to make them. But I think I need this. I need a time when I can teach in my style without worrying about teaching my partners, when I get to enjoy teaching.

I really wish I’d thought of this earlier in my service because I’m loving it. I get to create my own lesson plan my way. I get to teach without worrying about my partner. And I get to get to know some of my students better. Plus, since I’m working with struggling students separately, I’m creating my own little curriculum. So I’m not restricted by the textbooks. And bonus, my Romanian is getting better.

Survival Instinct

Getting through some days here is a monumental task. Working within a foreign school system provides daily challenges. Constantly coming across the same problems over and over again without any change is overwhelming. Performing what were once trivial daily tasks (in America) now require my full concentration to complete. My mistakes are often seen as jokes, and many Moldovans accredit them to my misfortune of being American. Add in my poor Romanian and no Russian knowledge, you’ve got a very stressed out Maggie.

For example, yesterday I went downstairs to make myself a snack, and my host dad was in the kitchen. As I was trying to put some food together, Roman started talking to me about something. I eventually understood that the topic was about cleaning the kitchen. He was either telling me that I should vacuum or that I shouldn’t vacuum; I couldn’t tell. Every time I thought I understood and said “okay”, Roman would just shout “no okay”, slap his hand to his head, and yell at me for not understanding him. At least I think he was yelling about me not understanding him; I don’t know what he was saying. And all I wanted was a snack. Some days, right?

Anyways, today I was listening to a podcast about Stockholm Syndrome, and the hosts were talking about how those who are kidnapped develop this psychological disorder as a survival instinct to this stressful situation. And this got me thinking about what new thoughts or ideas have I started thinking as a result of my mentally strenuous experience.

Obviously, comparing my situation to someone who has been kidnapped is quite melodramatic. I know that I can’t even begin to put myself in the same category as those so unfortunate as to be kidnapped. I am not here against my will, and I have all my necessities and more. But sometimes hearing about extreme situations makes me think about my tiny problems.

So my survival instinct. For my first year here, I think the main thing to help me deal with my daily stresses was apathy. It took me a while to realize how much apathy I had developed since I had been here, seeing as it was building slowly. But I realized that not caring was helping me get through my difficulties.

My first months working in my school were incredibly difficult, and it was all I could do to not pull all my hair out. I joined PC to help those in need and inspire positive change by dedicating my time, knowledge, and skills; however, I could barely get my partners to listen to me or think of me as a creditable source. So I started by telling myself to not let it bother me. I would then tell myself that when other things didn’t go the way I hoped, and it eventually grew from “not bothering me” to me not caring.

I don’t know if apathy is the right or wrong way to deal with this, but I do know that apathy is not my way. I’m very passionate, and I love caring about things. I happy to say that it’s my passions that have gotten me to where I am today. So when I realized that I was using apathy as a coping mechanism, I was heart-broken. I couldn’t believe I had changed so drastically, and not in a direction I liked. So I made a decision that I had to rid myself of this apathy.

Nowadays, when things don’t go my way, I try not to let it bother me and think about how to improve things for next time. Or sometimes I think about whether or not this requires reflection. Maybe this is something I can’t change, so I need to focus on other tasks.

I also use the small and infrequent successes I have to get from one day to the next. These little successes are what help me get going sometimes, and they are what inspire me to keeping working. And most importantly, they remind me why I joined the PC, something I think all volunteers need to constantly remind themselves to stay strong.

My successes are usually really small, and they don’t come around too often. Sometimes, the most recent success that I use as motivation was from two months ago. It’s not much, but I believe using successes is a better survival mechanism than apathy.

“All evil needs to triumph is for good men to do nothing.”

–Edmund Burke

Just A Bumbling American

I feel like I need to apologize to Americans everywhere. I seem to be representing Americans with everything I do. Every time I do something silly, Moldovans seem to blame it on me being American. I don’t think they realize that I’m just kind of an awkward goofball; so, needless to say, I do many foolish things regardless of my nationality.

For example, the other day, I was trying to open a can of pineapples. But I couldn’t figure out how to use the can opener. It’s that kind that just a hook, which you push through the lid and saw it around. I had never used this kind before, so it was taking me a little time figuring it out. My host dad walked passed and noticed. He then took the can-opener from me and opened the can, not without saying “Uff, America” before helping me.

And then another day, I ran into my host mom when I got home from school. She asked me if I was returning from school, and I told her I was. And then she congratulated me with a bit of an overly excited “Bravo”. I suppose she thinks me going to school is a monumental task for me.

When I try to describe myself to Moldovans, the word I want most to use is “silly”. However, there is not a direct translation for that word. The closest variant means stupid/idiotic and has a negative connotation. So obviously I prefer not to use this word since it does not help me in convincing them that I just do silly things and that I’m not stupid.

I also don't think they understand why I laugh at myself when I do something silly. I probably look crazy to them sometimes. But I sure hope they realize I’m more than just a bumbling American. It’s difficult to know with the Moldovans that don’t work with me first hand. But regardless, I will continue to not understand how things work and laugh at myself as a fumble with simple things. And I’m sure I’ll continue to hear “America” mumbled on their breaths as they laugh at my foolishness.

Kitty

About six weeks ago, I came home to find that my family had adopted a baby kitten. It was tiny and cute. I had only recently learned right before they brought the kitten home that we had lost one of the dogs, Charlie. I don’t know happened, but I assume he died. So it’s nice to have another pet around. Plus it’s a kitten!

When I first looked at the kitten, I realized it was very young; much younger than the ages of kittens we normally adopt kittens in the States. So I looked up kitten pictures online (always cute) and determined that the kitten must have been about 3 weeks old. It was so tiny, and it looked very weak as it moved.

Now that she is about 9 weeks old, I see a huge difference. She is incredibly playful and energetic. I’m trying to spend a lot of time with her so that I have one pet that is companion-like. I think it might be working because she likes to follow me around when I’m outside.

I asked my host mom what her names was and she told me Gov…or Gof (I can’t always tell the difference in the sound of “v” and “f’). Apparently, when she was talking with her grandson on Skype, she asked him what to name the cat and he picked this. I don’t really understand it, and neither does my host mom. But it was what her grandson wanted. But whatever her name is, she is certainly fun to play with and good company. And once the loneliness of winter gets here, I’m sure I’ll be happy to have a friendly kitty.

And Now One Year In Moldova

And today is my one-year anniversary of being in Moldova. And what better way to celebrate than to meet the new volunteers. The new group of volunteers came in yesterday, and today we had a picnic to meet them. It was pretty cool to talk with them, and they reminded me of what I was feeling this time last year.

Unfortunately, a consequence of working in PC is apathy. It’s a common coping mechanism for volunteers to deal with misfortune and difficulties. But I do not want to become apathetic. So talking with the new volunteers and seeing their passion and fresh perspective with being here helped me remember why I joined PC in the first place and how excited I was. Nice way to start my second year.

Woes of a Whiny Volunteer

When I started thinking about joining the Peace Corps, I did a lot of research. I talked to many people who had been volunteers, and I read many, many memoirs about volunteers’ experiences. However, whenever I was reading someone’s account of his or her experience, I had to remember that each person’s experience could be vastly different than another’s. Pieces of advice depended greatly on your job and location. Someone’s difficulties in Africa could be the exact opposite problem for someone in South America. However, after reading and hearing many different experiences, there were two things that seemed to be the common problems for most volunteers: loneliness and boredom. Therefore, I tried to prepare myself for these very likely future difficulties.

Loneliness is very easy to understand and quickly experienced. Everyday, I am surround by people of a different culture, which, in some ways, is pretty exciting. But when the stress of this difficult job in a different culture is getting to me, the fact that I’m the only American in a 20 kilometer radius feeling this way makes me feel even lonelier. Not to mention all the cultural and language barriers floating out there. Additionally, I don’t have social life. A lot of my work is done after school hours: planning, making material, typing everything, laminating everything (i.e. using packaging tape), etc. When I was in America, I was active in many activities after work hours. That is not true here. And pretty much any activity I do after work hours could technically be categorized as work. And I miss my family and friends back home, obviously. Anyways, being 5,000 miles away from the people I love the most and the only American in a town with a job that requires me working in my room after school hours and allows no social life results in loneliness.

Boredom, however, is not something that can apply to my situation. Many PCV experiences that I had read talked about having nothing to do when they leave work, and how their “office” cancels work a lot, so they have a lot of time to fill. In my situation, I think it would be more accurate to describe my feeling as restlessness. I feel like I am always working. When I finish my day at school, I come home to the pile of work I need to prepare for school the next day. Most night, I’m not done until 8 or 9 o’clock. I keep waiting for that day when I’m going to get faster at this. But as I start to get faster, I find a way to make something better, which takes more time, and therefore, I’m still working the same length of time. And while I feel like all the work is necessary and well worth (although sometimes I have to remind myself that fact), it can be very difficult working all the time. I’m used to being a busy and active person, but usually my time is filled with multiple things. I had activities I did outside of work, plus (what is now a foreign concept) a social life. Having my all my time filled with one thing is a new concept for me, and I’m not sure I like it very much. Sometimes, I’m so tired that I wish I had never heard so many accounts of PCV needing to find things to fill their free time. It sounds like a luxury I would appreciate.

I mentioned that I’m going to start teaching an adult English class and continue a youth English club. Both of these things seem like the perfect kind of thing I would like. They will be something I enjoy doing, and they will give me a break from my schoolwork. But I must confess, I’m worried about adding one more thing to my full days. Even though I think it will help my mentality, it will not help my constant feeling of restlessness. But I’m hoping that my feeling of restlessness will change to a feeling of vivacity and accomplishment. Here goes it!

Did You Know That…

I forgot to write an entry celebrating this fact, but December 8 marked my six months of being in Moldova. Oh my goodness gracious, is that right?!?! Sometimes it’s hard to believe that I have already been here six months. That’s almost a quarter of my service here. And other times it seems hard to believe that I’ve only been here for six months. It’s funny how time works. But you know, if I have made it through these six months, I think I make it through my next 21 months just fine.

As a reflection of my 6 months here, I thought about what I learned. And now I will share it with you. Did you know that…

• you can actually go without peanut butter (more specifically Reese’s) for 6 months and not die? 
• a tube of mascara can last longer than 6 months? 
• baby powder can substitute for dry shampoo if necessary (but your hair will be a couple shades lighter)? 
• boxes can be used for many different functions, such as bookshelves, jewelry holders, and laundry hampers? 
• after 6 months, you still don’t get used to the smell of burning trash? 
• you can survive with only 3 pairs of shoes? 

Okay, I’m just kidding about most of these. But I really have learned a lot while here; however, that list is too long to list in one sitting. And it grows longer every day. I think my favorite thing about celebrating my six-month anniversary is the feeling anticipation to continue the rest of my service time.

Top 10 Ways To Deal With My Frustrations in Moldova

10. Snickers: Chocolate has the magical power to make you feel better. Plus, this is chocolate I recognize. Snickers here is the same as in The States. However, resorting to this method frequently can cause a stomachache. Not to mention that I don’t want the world to know the size of my frustrations based on the size of my hips. Therefore, I try not resort to this method as frequently.

9. Listen to Veggie Tales Christmas Album: Okay, I have to admit that this one is only on the list because I’m listening to it while I’m typing this. But it doesn’t change the fact that listening to this CD brought a smile to my face, and I instantly felt better. If you have heard this CD, you know what I’m talking about. So although this might be a seasonal solution, based on my experience, it is highly effective.

8. Dance party in my room: Sometimes, I just need to dance.

7. Talking with my students: I love hearing the students try to speak English. It always turns out to be some kind of Romanglish, but I can usually figure out what they mean. And it sure sounds funny. Plus, they always make me laugh.

6. Walks: A couple weeks ago, I started talking walks in the afternoon, and I have really come to enjoy them. I get to just relax and take in all that is Moldova. I try to walk a different way every day, so I get to see a part of Cruileni I haven’t seen before. It is really pleasant. Although sometimes I encounter other frustrations here, like the lovely smell of burning trash or being chased by stray dogs. But it’s only momentary.

5. Meeting new people: It helps remind me why I’m here. Plus, it can also be a little self-esteem boast. Moldovans often thank me for being here or compliment my initiative. Plus, who wouldn’t want to meet all sorts of people from a foreign land?

4. Spending time with my host family: Whether it’s talking to my host mom about my day at school or learning Russian with Roman over a shot (okay, several shots) of cognac, my host family never fails to put me in a better mood.

3. Coka Cola Light: I have to admit that I am dealing with my stress by drinking my weight in Coka Cola Light almost every day. But considering the fact that I am in the country that has the highest consumption of alcohol per capita, I think this little addiction I have developed for caffeine is an okay problem compared to what it could be.

2. Puppies: My host family’s dog had puppies several weeks ago. They are now big enough to come out and play. They are so little, and I love how they run up to me when I’m coming. The doghouse is right by the gate, so I pass them when I come home and when I’m leaving. I have learned that I have to leave an extra 5 minutes early to account for stopping to play with the puppies before I leave the house. Just look at them. How could this not melt all your problems away?

1. Laughter: This is my main coping mechanism. I just laugh. I don’t what’s going, so I laugh. My partner teacher doesn’t like any of my ideas, so I laugh. It’s raining and I don’t have an umbrella and a 15-minute walk home. How about I laugh? I think I may come off as mad, but sometimes I have to laugh to avoid crying. It is my crutch.

Ode To Ben and Jerry’s

Today was a particularly difficult day. It’s not like it was really that different from any other crazy day. I think it’s just that I have been trying to not let things bother me that actually do bother me in the long run. All the little things add up. Straw that breaks the camel’s back kind of thing, you know?

All week, I’ve had no idea how long the classes were going to be because they would ring the bells early to end the school day early because the building is too cold. Then today, I tried to play a game of Memory with one of my classes for the first time. But it was a huge headache. The students only know how to behave with lectures. So when I introduce an activity, it can be kind of wild. Then half of my students in my last class were missing (there are only 8 students in the class total).

Usually, I have a lot of patience and stamina for this chaos. I actually am kind of proud of myself because I have become pretty good for letting things roll off my shoulder, which says a lot coming from this slight (okay, more than slight) control-freak. But apparently on my hard days, my newfound maturity and flexibility are out the window, and what is left of Maggie wants to jump out the window. Oh well. I guess I’m bound to have hard days. It’s just difficult having hard days in a foreign country.

When I had a bad day back in the States, I often turned to my good friends, Ben and Jerry. But they don’t have it here. I miss Ben and Jerry’s. They have ice cream here, but most of it is served on a stick. And it’s relatively cheap. It’s not the same. I miss good ice cream.

I went on a mission today after school to find ice cream that wasn’t served on a stick. It took a great deal of searching, but I found some in a carton at last. Unfortunately, there was only one kind, vanilla with caramel swirl. Normally, I need something with chocolate after a day like this. But beggars can’t be choosers. And in my current state, I really don’t care. I’m just happy to be able to eat ice cream with a spoon tonight.

Well, in my misery, I have turned to poetry to express myself. I dedicate this to you, Ben and Jerry, lifelong friends to those in need.

You are the ice cream with much flare.
For your taste I greatly care.
But since I moved to Moldova,
My life’s been all ova’
Since I can’t find you anywhere.

Yes, I realize I’m being a little (okay, more than a little) melodramatic. But can you blame a girl? I mean, I’m in foreign country having a bad day. Add in the fact that I haven’t had Ben and Jerry’s in almost 5 months, not to mention countless other things I miss (ode to Mexican food soon to come). For those who might not know me as well, have no worries. I’ll get my ice cream fix as I watch a sappy romantic comedy and I’ll be back to my semi-mature and capable self. But for now, I will moan and groan and complain.

Kids, You’re Gonna Get Me Through This

Partner teaching is no easy task. Many days, I feel like I’m just working as their assistant, not the partner teacher who has a master in education and actually knows a lot about pedagogy and research-based teaching methods. I’m supposed to help bring student-centered activities to the lessons, but the ideas I bring to the table aren’t always welcome. Or my partners make changes without telling me. One of the reasons we team-teach is so that there is sustainability. On particularly difficult days, I feel rather useless, and I worry that all the time I spend making or planning high-quality activities will be done in vain. Right after I leave, all my work will be put on a shelf and not used. Thinking about this makes me worried how I will make it through the next 2 years.

However, over the last week, I have concluded that my students are going to be the ones that get me through these next 2 years. Their faces light up when I bring pictures or do pretty much anything different from the textbook, and they can’t wait to find out what we will do. I fuss at them in class when they are drawing or not paying attention in class. But then after class, they come to me and give the picture that they were drawing and just got in trouble in class with.

One of my favorite moments so far happened a couple days ago. I was walking to school, and one of my students (a boy who can be a particular handful, but you can’t help but love) ran to catch up with me. He was really excited about something and was talking in Romanian too fast for me understand (not that I would have understood him if he were talking slower). After a long time of him talking and me not understanding, I eventually figured out that he was telling me he did his homework (mostly because he showed it to me).

Now, he didn’t do the homework that was assigned, but he took the time to do English work outside of the classroom. Homework is not really done by the students here (this is one of the things I’m hoping to improve). So the fact that he did something, I think, is a pretty big step. It was a good feeling. These feelings are what will help me get through the next 2 years.