Emotional Rollercoaster Ride

Overall, I can say with certainty that I have not yet doubted my choice to join the PC. However, that does not mean I have loved every minute of it. I have had my good days and my bad days. I have had my good weeks and my bad weeks. But that’s not really any different than America.

What is different? Each day seems to be an emotional rollercoaster ride. I will start the day thinking how happy I am to be in the PC. But then on my walk to school (40 minutes everyday twice a day of walking by myself, left with only my thoughts can be too much thinking sometimes) I begin to worry about whether or not I can complete my service successfully. Once I’m at school and see Americans in the same boat I am in, my faith grows and their presence gives me that high you get from being around others. Then I struggle with my Romanian and I wonder how can I be an effective volunteer if I can’t talk to the people. And it’s only 10 o’clock in the morning!!

And I’m a pretty positive person. I don’t experience emotional downs too often. So getting them 4 or 5 times a day everyday is difficult. And many times, when I experience one emotional down, another grows from it. For example, today I realized that I was thinking about the faults in others. This is not me. Now I know that everyone is not my best friend. But for the most part, I can get along with anyone if I try. And those who I might not get along with as easily, I put extra effort into getting along with them. And I try to look for the good in others, not the faults. But with the stress that comes with PST, I am mentally worn out. And the good and logic that I usually have are gone. I’m not myself. Then of course, I realize that thinking about the faults in others is not okay, and I am really hard on myself and have doubt in my ability to be here. And then I realize how often I have been complaining about things. And I’m hard on myself once more. Do you see the snowballing happening here? My mental capabilities are not strong enough to handle this well.

When I am starting to think it is too hard or too much or too humid, I frequently tell myself that it will make me a better person as a way to console myself. For example, I might be really tired from staying up really late planning a lesson. I tell myself that I made a better lesson and the students will benefit, and it will make me a better person. I might get frustrated at the difficulty I am having with language. I tell myself that it will teach me patience with students as they learn new things, and it will make me a better person. These “words of comfort” are starting to not be as comforting anymore. I have been thinking about how often I say it to myself and concluded that if every time I say to myself this hardship will make me a better person proves to be true, I’ll be a saint by the end of my service.