Fate?

I do not believe in fate or meant-to-bes, but sometimes when certain events happen just when they do, I can’t help but wonder. Over the last 2 weeks, I have felt as useful as paint on a wall. I have been pretty much doing nothing but sitting around my room. I’ve walked around my new village, hung out with my host family, watched a few movies (okay, maybe more like 2 dozen), organized my photos, and read through my teaching materials. But overall, I have had a lot of time for thinking. And if you remember, too much time thinking can be too much for me and lead to upsetting thoughts, such as asking myself “why am I here?”

When you are serving in the PC, you can’t help but think “why am I here?” It’s inevitable. I was hoping I wouldn’t be thinking about it this early in my service, but I have. I wonder what good can I bring that someone else couldn’t. Can I really make a difference? Will all my hard work be done in vain? Could I make a bigger difference somewhere else? Is teaching English really a worthy cause?

Moldova isn’t perfect, and good can be done here. There are many political problems. The country came from a Soviet Union reign, and you can still see the effects. There are many people who want to work towards a democracy, and there are many who really believed in communism and want to still work towards that. But I can’t help in this area; I lack the knowledge and authority to offer political help. And even if I wanted to, the PC does not allow PCVs to talk about politics, let alone get involved in them.

Then I think about the prejudices that exist here. I could help educate the people. But telling people that what they think of others is wrong is a difficult thing to do. I would need to develop relationships with the people first if I want them to possibly listen to me. And many times, the people believe there is more proof that proves their prejudice correct than supports tolerance. Add the fact I can’t talk above a 2 year-old’s speaking level, and you see my point.

Now I know that teaching is a worth cause, especially if you do it well. I know this. But I’m teaching English. How is that helpful? It feels like those who are learning English are learning it to get out of Moldova, and that’s not helping Moldova develop. Add in the fact that I remember spending so much time planning a lesson with my partner teacher during practice school and feeling like I have only come up with mediocre ideas. I remember how quickly the other trainees had finished their lessons when working with their partners during practice school, finishing easily an hour before me, and they had full confidence in their lessons.

These questions and doubts were bound to cross my mind eventually. And I was worried about the fact that I was thinking about them at the beginning of my 2-year service. But today in class, Svetlana asked me to explain to the students why learning English is important. I looked up some data and numbers to give the students. As I presented the information, the students all stared at me like I was a 3-headed purple giraffe. It didn’t bother me; it will takes some time for the students to get use to me, which is not different in an American classroom.

Even though I think only a few students understood me, I didn’t feel this mini-lesson was done in vain. I felt like I needed to teach this information to myself more than the students. I needed to teach this information right now when I’m wondering why I am teaching English. I needed to give value to what I was teaching. I needed to give value to what I will be doing for the next 2 years. I needed to understand how my work will be useful for Moldovans; how my work will help Moldovans. Although after today, I get the feeling that I will get more from this experience than I will give.