Middle School Again

Have you ever looked back 10 years and thought, “Man, I was such a kid then!” Well, that’s how I feel looking back 11 months ago, when I first arrived here (yep, that’s right kiddos; I have been in Moldova for 11 months!). I think I have gone through more changes in the last 11 months than I did in middle school.

In fact, I constantly feel like a middle school girl again. Before coming to Moldova, I had grown into a person with confidence and self-awareness. I knew that I was far from perfect, and while I wanted to work on improving my faults, I was comfortable with who I was. I was okay with not being perfect. But more importantly, I knew myself and I liked myself. But since I’ve been here, I often don’t feel like myself or I don’t know myself. Seeing as I’m 25 years old and I once felt like I knew who I was, this is a very disconcerting feeling.

Like a middle schooler, I am consistently self-conscious. With every decision I make, I am worried about what people think about me. I guess this makes sense given that I’m in a different culture with different practices and beliefs, and I need to be aware of how my actions are perceived by others. It’s just a little upsetting being an adult and feeling so extremely self-conscious, as opposed to self-aware.

My emotions are all out of whack. I am numb to things that should be upsetting me. But then I’m overwhelmed with emotions caused by a tiny, insignificant thing. Logic is no longer helping me control my emotions. I think this is due to the fact that I had to change my coping methods being in a country away from my home.

Also, I’m questioning my many of my beliefs. Some of them I am making stronger and some of them I am changing. Plus I’m forming new beliefs. And oddly enough, I’m learning about right and wrong again. I’m questioning why things are the way they are, what fairness really is, how I can make the best of it, etc.

I do try to constantly challenge my beliefs because I am always searching for the right one. This is something I have tried to do all my life. But in middle school, that is when I formed so many of my beliefs or built the foundations of my beliefs. And though some have changed, I still believe a bulk of my beliefs that were formed during middle school. And that is how I now feel about the Peace Corps.

I think the best word to describe myself since I’ve been here is awkward. I don’t do things the same way as Moldovans, and they often look at me strangely. I’m starting to not feel embarrassment anymore because I’m embarrassed so frequently. Oye.

So this can be overwhelming sometimes, and I have a difficult time dealing with it. But I’m really looking forward to coming out of this. Middle school was one of the most defining stages in my life; it made me who I am. And since Peace Corps is causing me to go through similar transformations, I can only imagine how much this will define me when I’m finished. I can’t wait to see who I am at the end of my service.